Why Is My Ex Contacting Me When He Has a Girlfriend?

What was the first reaction you had when your phone screen lit up, and the text from a name you knew all too well showed? Was it surprise? Were there hints of disgust or did your stomach do somersaults in delight? Were you nonchalant about it or did you stare blankly into space for a good couple of minutes, unsure of what to do or how to feel?

A bombardment of questions start to flood your thoughts, as you try to logically figure out what intentions your ex could possibly have in contacting you, when he already has a new girlfriend.

What a reverse in roles, considering your ex-boyfriend was probably the one who broke up with you. Correct me if I’m wrong but that should have been the case; otherwise, you would know exactly why he’s contacting you (to ask for a second chance).

If you’re reading this article, it would mean you either had no conclusion to the various questions that popped into your head, or you still have completely no idea why he has been contacting you. Either way, I’m going to help you break down the possible reasons why he’s been contacting you (despite the current girlfriend), and what you could do about it.

Before I lay out the potential reasons for contacting you, it would be good for you to clear your head first, and think logically from this point onwards. Ultimately, only you would be able to pinpoint his exact intentions since I wasn’t the one that dated him before.

Here are a couple of things you could take note of to help with your flow of thought. How long has it been since your last conversation with him? Are you guys on friendly terms right now? How did the relationship end? The time and day he first contacted you again? Was it a text or a call? Did he immediately ask to meet, or did he seem to sincerely be interested in finding how you were doing?

I understand that some of you may have no intentions of getting back together with your ex-boyfriend and have long moved on, but still want to be able to handle the situation tactfully which is why you’re reading this article. For that purpose, I’m going to include a general course of action for two different paths: (1) If you want him back and (2) If you don’t want him back.


He Wants to Hook up With You

This might have been the first question that came to your mind: ‘We haven’t spoken in 2 months and now he suddenly wants to meet? Is he talking to me just because he’s horny and wants to hook up?’.

Well, your instincts may not be entirely wrong here because there’s a high likelihood of it happening in many relationships. There’s a certain saying that ‘guys think with their other head’, and this tends to be the result of it. If many guys still think of having sex with other women even though they’re in a relationship, what’s stopping them from thinking about it with someone they’ve slept with before?

One of the clearest way to tell is if he texted you past midnight on a weekend, to ask if you would like to hang – duh. However, even if he texts you in the middle of the day and initiates a conversation, be wary too that he might still want to hook up. Gauge the tone of the first text: does he show concern or is there a hint of impatience to his message? Does he suggest catching up frequently and usually for night activities? These are some signs that he’s looking to have sex.


Perhaps his current girlfriend isn’t as good in bed as you were, and he decided that he would take a shot at revisiting the past; perhaps he just wants to sleep around, and you seemed like the easiest target; perhaps his current girlfriend is refusing his sexual advances, and he’s just sexually frustrated. There could be a variety of reasons why he would want to hook up with you.

Typically, if he wants to hook up, it means that he doesn’t have any intention to get back together (or respect you) and merely wants a one-night stand before going back to his current life (and current girlfriend).


What You Should Do If You Want Him Back

If your goal is to have him back in your life, this is the unhealthiest and worst way to do it. While it may seem easy (to ‘connect’ with him again), and even if you don’t mind hooking up, you should have a little respect for yourself. You don’t want to come across as someone cheap, or a pushover. He will never treat you seriously if you allow him to sleep with you whenever he wants to, despite having a girlfriend. My suggestion would be to politely tell him no, and that you don’t appreciate him making such advances on you.


What You Should Do If You Don’t Want Him Back

Well this should be a fairly easy decision to make. You don’t intend to sleep with him OR get back together. You can choose to reject his advances or not reply to his text at all, since he hasn’t met you with any form of dignity or respect.


He Wants to Be Friends Again

When you guys broke up, did he give you the ‘we can still be friends’ speech? Well, this just shows you that he meant it. Perhaps enough time has passed since the breakup and he wants to check in on you to see how you’re doing, and to see if you guys can be friends again. Being a lot more personal, I can’t specifically advise you on why he suddenly wants to be friends since every relationship is unique in situation, and probably ended on different notes too.

However, I can say that it may be because he probably felt that you were a good companion to him, before and during the relationship itself; and he doesn’t want to lose that.


What You Should Do If You Want Him Back

If your goal is to one day be with him again, isn’t this a good first step forward? It’s always good to start off as friends first again before considering anything more. However, don’t forget that he still has a girlfriend and you have to ask yourself (and him too) if his girlfriend is aware of it. Thread carefully here as the last thing you want is to have a jealous girlfriend harassing you. If that happens, remember that you’ll come across as the bad person meddling with their relationship in every angle.

What You Should Do If You Don’t Want Him Back

In this case, you have to ask yourself if he is someone you value as a friend still or not. If you did enjoy having him around in a non-romantic sense, you could always consider his offer of being friends again. I’m a strong believer that exes can still be good friends. Ultimately, you guys shared a connection which allowed an intimate relationship to form in the first place. Why let that go to waste by not even remaining friends?


The New Relationship Isn’t Working Out & He’s Seeking Comfort in You

Perhaps he’s currently in a rebound relationship, and has started to encounter problems with his girlfriend. There could be a difference in expectation levels and he’s subconsciously started to compare how different she is from you. Maybe they’ve been fighting a lot recently, and to ‘escape’ from his problems, he’s started to confide in you, since you already understand him, having once been a couple.


What You Should Do If You Want Him Back

I know it may hurt to hear the stories and problems as he starts confiding in you, but you could treat it as a good thing. At least you’re now aware that their relationship isn’t all sunshine and roses, and would probably not work out. If you have the patience to wait it out and to genuinely provide comfort as a friend, I suggest doing so. This will increase your value in his eyes and may cause him to fall for you once again once he realizes that his current girlfriend doesn’t understand him, but YOU do.


What You Should Do If You Don’t Want Him Back

If you don’t mind becoming friends with him again, you could always allow him to confide in you (not excessively). However, if you don’t have that intention, it’s better to be frank and tell him to confide in someone else since you’re uncomfortable with hearing his relationship stories.

He Wants to Show Off on How Well He’s Doing

Sometimes, the relationship you guys were in could have ended badly, and for whatever reason, he seems mad at you. Perhaps you were the one who initiated the breakup, or perhaps you hurt his feelings and he decided to end things. Everyone wants to win the breakup and make the other party regret leaving them. If that was the case, he could be contacting you just to show off on how well he’s currently doing.


What You Should Do If You Want Him Back

This may be a tricky situation to handle. Firstly, you shouldn’t be affected by what he says or does, since he’s out to spite you. Instead, ask yourself what you did to make him feel like he needs to win the breakup. If you really want him back, you’re going to require patience to wait out whatever resentment he may currently be feeling.


What You Should Do If You Don’t Want Him Back

If you don’t have any intention of wanting him back, perhaps it might be a better idea to block his number instead since it doesn’t benefit you to receive such messages from an ex, showing off on how well he’s doing. Not to mention it’s extremely annoying and may cause you to react, which could be his goal in the first place.


He Doesn’t Know What He Wants (Getting Back Together)

Possibly one of the more common reason he contacts you, is a mixture of every point mentioned through this article combined. He simply doesn’t know what he wants. Your ex-boyfriend may be feeling confused, unsure if he loves his new girlfriend or still has feelings for you. You will end up observing a hot and cold reaction from him because there will be moments that he misses you and becomes extremely close to you, while other times he may direct his attention towards his girlfriend and ignore you. This situation can be very draining emotionally, and it’s not something you would want to deal with especially if you haven’t fully recovered from the breakup.

What You Should Do If You Want Him Back

As much as I know you’ll want to open up to him and let him back into your life, this confusion is something he should deal with on his own. If your ex-boyfriend is seriously still hung up over you, he would inevitably come back, without you doing anything. However, if you start pressuring him to get back together with you, sometimes people react in an opposite manner and it may remind him of the bad times (especially if you were someone who would try to control him back in the relationship). Give him some space, but let him know that you will be there for him. He may end up missing you more, and things would work out in your favor.


What You Should Do If You Don’t Want Him Back

Help him make his mind up. Tell him directly that you’re no longer interested, and that he shouldn’t waste his time on you or waste yours. Alternatively, you could always ignore him, and that should send a pretty clear message that you’re not interested in involving yourself with whatever confusion he has since he’s now his new girlfriend’s responsibility.

At the end of the day, there could be many other reasons why he would contact you, but these are just some of the more common ones. Don’t forget that he’s still in a relationship at the moment and is probably going behind his girlfriend’s back to contact you. You can either feel good or bad about it, based on your perspective. However, do keep in mind if you want him back some day, do consider seriously as this is also proof that your ex-boyfriend is capable of going behind his partner’s back to contact another female. If you guys get back together and ever run into problems with the relationship, what’s stopping him from approaching another girl to confide, hook up or become friends with?