Step 2 of this Guide is called YOU simply because it is all about you. This is the part where you can undo all the damage you might have already done by making the mistakes mentioned in Step 1. Even if you didn’t make any of those mistakes, you still MUST follow this step, because this is the most crucial step in getting back together.
The main lesson to take from Step 2 and from “The Unbreakup Guide” is “Stop concentrating on your ex and start concentrating on you.”
The most important thing that you must do right now is to stop all contact with your ex. You cannot concentrate on yourself if you keep contacting your ex.
Are you thinking –
What if they move on?
What if they forget about all the great times we had together until I remind them every day?
What if they find someone else and marry them and buy a house together and have children and then have grandchildren and I never hear from them again?
OK. I can see your point. And they are genuine concerns. And the answer to all of these questions is THEY WON’T.
If your ex was in a meaningful relationship with you, then the breakup is as hard for them as it is for you, even if they were the one who broke up. And you are not going to stop communicating with them forever. You are just going to give you and your ex enough time for all the negativity of the breakup to fade away.
Stopping communications with your ex is absolutely imperative because you are going to become a happier and a more attractive person during this step. Remember all the negative traits we talked about in step 1? You have to get rid of all those traits. Think of it as trying to seduce someone new. You have to be confident, calm, relaxed, happy and a fun person to be considered attractive.
Besides, during the breakup, your ex must have associated a lot of negative qualities with you. Maybe they started losing their attraction during the relationship and whatever made them lose that attraction is still predominant in their mind.
By not contacting your ex, you are giving them time to forget all those negative qualities about you and think about the good qualities in you. And the best part of no-contact is that when you stop contacting your ex, you automatically become “not needy” in their mind. (sometimes, this is enough for them to want to get back together.)
It is recommended that you stop contact for at least one month. If you think you need more time, you can extend it. It should be at least a few weeks. If you and your ex have to see each other (due to work or kids) then make sure you keep the conversation professional or just related to the kids. Do not talk about your feelings or your relationship with them.
And in this one month, your goal is to feel good about yourself. Here is what you need to do.
You have to realize that after a breakup, you are bound to experience a plethora of emotions. You will be obsessing over your ex; you will be angry, sad, resentful, guilty, and sometimes even in disbelief.
All these emotions are just normal reaction of your mind after a loss, but when it comes to getting your ex back; they can be detrimental to your chances. In this emotional state it is easy to panic and do something stupid.
You have to give yourself time to process all the emotions and relax. You have to take care of your body and your mind. That is why you should do anything and everything that relaxes you.
Stop Negative Thoughts
These thoughts come in the mind every now and then, but they just disrupt your whole view of life. Thoughts like
– I will die alone
– I will never find someone else like my ex
– I will never be able to love again
– I will never be able to trust again
You know these types of thoughts are lies. But what you might not know is that you are causing damage to your subconscious by repeating these thoughts. Your subconscious believes what you tell yourself. So this type of self-talk is only going to lower your self-esteem and will ultimately ruin your chances of being happy in your life.
Deep down inside you know that life is beautiful and you will find love again. It could be with your ex or without your ex. But whatever happens, you know that you deserve an awesome life and you will get it. So whenever these thoughts come to your mind, stop them and tell yourself exactly what you want from your life. Things like
– I will love again
– I will find happiness
– I will find success
– I will get whatever I want in life
Look At Your Relationship for What It Was
Breakups hurt like crazy. And your mind is just clouded with the grief. It seems that your thoughts are just controlled by your emotions. So if you miss your ex, you might think that they were the perfect person for you. But in reality, it might not be so. In fact, I can almost guarantee that it wasn’t so. Your ex, just like every other person on earth had flaws. And your relationship, even though it might be hard to believe right now, was not great. How can I tell? Well, if it was great, you wouldn’t have broken up.
You have to look at both negative and positive aspects of your ex and your relationship. Every couple on the face of this planet fights, but if you two broke up, then chances are there was something seriously wrong with your relationship. Think about your relationship rationally. Don’t let your emotions control your thoughts. Imagine, you are a parent and your child was in the same situation as you, would you still tell your son or daughter to get their ex back?
In the end, if you do decide to get back, then try to understand your flaws and think whether or not you want to work on them. Do you think changing yourself would help in your future relationships (even if it’s not with your ex)? If you think so, then work on yourself.
Even though you might feel miserable inside, you have to force yourself and try to enjoy your life. There are tons of things that you can do at this time.
Go out with your friends, get a new hobby, pick up an old hobby, work out and get in shape, go to yoga or meditation classes, do volunteer work, spend time with family etc.
If you separate yourself from the thoughts about your ex, you will realize there are tons of things that you can do while you are alone. And it is really necessary that you do them. It will give you a new perspective on life which you can never get by sitting on your couch while eating a bucket of ice cream and watching “The Notebook”.
How long do you stay on Step 2 is totally dependent on how long it takes for you to feel great about yourself and your life. After all Step 2 is all about you. When you think you are ready, you need to move on to step 3 aka Re-attraction.