The fact that you’re on this page, reading this article, means something happened and you don’t know what to do. Trying not to state the obvious, you’re probably here because your relationship ended pretty recently, and you’ve been feeling lost.
You don’t know what happened. It all ended so quickly and on such messy terms that you may have sent a couple of desperate texts to plead for a second chance or at least a reason why you guys can’t work things out. You might have said a lot more, with greater tones of desperation, but I’m just going to filter all that out for now.
Putting myself in your shoes, I’d definitely be feeling confused, hurt, unable to think straight; with my mind in a whirl and my emotions in an even greater state of disarray. What makes things worse is your now ex-boyfriend hasn’t replied to any of your texts, social media DMs, or answered your calls. His Last Seen shows 10 minutes ago but your text to him was sent HOURS back.
WHY HASN’T HE REPLIED?
WHY IS HE ACTING THIS WAY?
I JUST WANT THINGS GO BACK TO NORMAL. WHY DOES HE SEEM TO HATE ME SO MUCH NOW?
Did any of these thoughts cross your mind? Well, I know you have a lot more questions than answers in your head right now but that’s fine. I wouldn’t be writing this article if I wasn’t fully aware of the pain and hurt you’re going through. Basically, I’m here to help you consolidate your thoughts and give you a GAMEPLAN so that you don’t spend the next month going crazy.
FIRSTLY… STOP THE CONSTANT TEXTING AND CALLING
Let me break it to you: He stopped replying you because he’s either upset with you, or annoyed that you’ve been bombarding him with so many messages that he grunts every time the phone vibrates. At this point, count the fact that he hasn’t blocked you as a blessing, but that doesn’t mean it won’t happen. Give him space OR your calls will soon be directed to the looped ‘unavailable’ message.
Now, to properly start off, let me give you TWO straightforward goals that you should be aiming for:
- Re-gain Emotional Stability and Happiness
- Become a Better You
Notice how neither of those goals included ‘getting my ex back?’ That’s because this article isn’t for him, it’s for you and getting your life/emotions/well-being back on track. I’m going to help you understand what went wrong with the overall picture and how to create a better version of yourself.
After that, if you still decide you want your ex back, by all means include a third goal, but ONLY after you’ve completed the first two.
What Went Wrong?
In the past few days (or weeks) since the breakup, have you ever asked yourself (instead of asking him): what exactly happened during the relationship that led to the breakup? What went wrong? Was there one deciding incident or do you think it was a build up of several underlying issues, already brewing for some time? Were you guys constantly fighting or was it all sunshine and roses right to the point where he dropped the bomb on you?
In most cases, even if there was a big incident that caused the breakup, there would usually be many underlying reasons that instigated the final decision to happen. Also, no relationship would ever be all sunshine and roses, except maybe in fairy tales. For you to have a clearer picture on what went wrong, you probably have to ask yourself these questions.
If you feel your ex hates you, ask yourself, why would he feel this way? I’m a strong believer that every decision has a certain logic and reasoning to it. It may not be sound reasoning, but there always is one. In this case, if he DOES express feelings of hatred towards you, it must have been something he felt you did that was unpleasant enough to warrant such a reaction.
So, What Was It?
Were you overly insecure and constantly stopped him from going out? Were you prone to emotional outbursts whenever you felt irritated? How reasonable were you in arguments? Did you get mad at him for no reason? Did you constantly accuse him of cheating? Did you limit him from achieving more in his career because it would cut into spending time with you? Did you have the tendency to put him down in front of others? You get the idea.
Before you start getting defensive, I don’t want a justification on why you did those things (if guilty) or what he’s done in the past (to deserve it) because let me ask you: Does it matter? This is your pride and ego talking. The breakup has happened and trash talking him isn’t going to make a difference in becoming emotionally stable, happy or winning him back again.
If you’ve gotten the reason(s) narrowed down, that’s great. You’ve successfully accomplished what many others fail to, which is to understand your personal flaws and contributing factors to the breakup. Understanding and acceptance of your shortcomings is always the first step to recovery during a breakup and even more important if you intend to become a better person. Like I say, we’re not going to focus on him or his flaws since the only person you can ultimately change with assurance is yourself.
Whose Fault Was It?
I know there’s going to be a huge debate with regards to this topic since every story has two sides. Whose fault was it? Truth is… it doesn’t matter. As far as he was concerned, he felt that you were at fault for whatever underlying issue he was troubled by, and didn’t give you much say by initiating the break up.
You may think it’s unfair but that’s life – it doesn’t deal you equal cards in most situations and you’re just going to have to accept it and work with what you’ve got. However, do not put all the blame on yourself either. Most people tend to shoulder unnecessary blame and guilt when in tough situations and it isn’t fair to yourself. Like I said, it doesn’t matter whose fault it was, because the breakup has already happened.
Once you understand and fully accept this fact, you’ll slowly start to see things from a different perspective. By now, if you’ve digested whatever I’ve told you, there should be TWO things that stand out:
1) ‘I know what my shortcomings were in the relationship and I should want to make a conscious effort to improve.’
2) ‘Whoever’s fault it was doesn’t matter, I shouldn’t blame myself for what happened, nor should I be blaming him for it either.’
You may be wondering… if that’s the case, what should I do now?
What’s the Situation Now?
Now that you have all the necessary information leading to the breakup, we’ll look at the next step: What’s the current situation? He’s probably not replied you for some time, and you already know why. Putting it frankly, there’s not much you can do right now about the given situation. Remember I said that life is unfair? However, if your situation is a little different, get a concise overview about it, not forgetting to implement a mindset change to yourself while doing so.
How You’re Feeling About It
In that case, let me ask you: How are you feeling right now? Hopefully you aren’t still in a state of despair and desperation just like you may have been before starting on this article. If you are, I suggest scrolling back to the point on ‘what went wrong’ and do not continue reading more until you’re able to see things calmly.
Can You Do Anything About the Situation?
Honestly… There’s a million things you CAN do about the situation but the more important question here is SHOULD you? For starters, I’d highly discourage any action that involves talking to him, messaging him, looking at his social media, his photos on your phone; basically, you shouldn’t be doing ANYTHING that has ANYTHING to do with him.
Remember the emphasis here is that you have to first get yourself emotionally stable and you’re not going to achieve that if you keep running circles around him. Give yourself some space to breathe. Don’t get so caught up in your instincts (your instincts are usually wrong) that you throw any form of logic to the wind.
Bearing that in mind, what you should be doing now and for the foreseeable future is focus on becoming a better person in general. Those issues you had when you were in a relationship? Work on them. If you were being insecure all the time, ask yourself why the insecurity constantly shaped you up, and if there are things you can do to improve it. Does it stem from self-esteem issues that you never felt good enough? You could always start going to the gym, change your hairstyle, shop for new clothes; anything that will would boost your confidence. Did you have anger issues? Perhaps sign up for a meditation class and learn new methods on healthily releasing your anger.
Additionally, use this time to do the things you may not have gotten the chance to while you were in a relationship. Backpack around South-East Asia (or just a short holiday perhaps), start catching up with old friends again, spend more time with your family, pick up that hobby you’ve been meaning to. There’s SO many things you can and should be doing right now and all these things WILL help you find new joy and meaning in your life as well as regain emotional stability.
So… Does He Really Hate You?
If you’ve been following closely to what I’ve written so far, you’ll already be able to predict my answer to you. It honestly doesn’t matter. Things have happened and for whatever reasons, the relationship has ended. What sounds more of a logical thing to do: moping around in a non-functional state for days or weeks wondering why he hasn’t replied, or treating it at face value and start investing more time in your recovery process by making changes in your life? You’re the most important person in YOUR world and no one should bring you down like that.
So… What if you’re emotionally stable and happy now, but still have lingering thoughts of him? That’s okay too, because it probably means you really do love him and given the time it should have taken to recover, whatever hate or resentment you felt he may have had against you at the time of breakup, would probably be long gone by now. This would be the time to think of your optional goal number 3.
In some cases, he may have even reached out to you during this period to ask how you’ve been doing or that he saw your recent post on Snapchat and that you looked happy. If he didn’t, don’t worry, there’s nothing wrong with a female taking initiative from time to time. You could always drop him a text to ask him how he’s been the past couple of months and see how he responds, reply to a Snap casually, or even like his Instagram and Facebook posts to re-initiate contact with him; and see how things go from there (his response). The key thing here is confidence, casualness and remembering that you’re a changed person from the recent breakup.